Jack

Jack...I look at him…and stare…I stare at him while he’s sleeping, while he’s eating with us at the dinner table, while he mows the yard…laughs with his dad, wrestles on the floor with his dog…takes off ahead of us on bike rides at river park, while he worships in church and when he gets out of the van and walks into school, His back to me, walking away…I stare. He’s a boy, he’s a man…he’s in between, it all depends on what moment you catch him in-but for the moment he’s still mine..for a very brief moment.

I swell with pride, when he stops and carries groceries for the elderly, holds open doors for every one-smiles and talks to babies (because they love him). My heart swells when he tells me..”Mom, you look beautiful today!” (Which he says all the time..and means…)or “Mom, don’t worry You will never be alone, I will always take care of you”. This is the boy I love..The boy I watch..
The boy who can’t stand it when I throw the feed the children pamphlet’s in the trash..Surely mom we can send something…look how many pounds of food ten dollars will buy..take my Christmas money Mom please-

I smile when I walk into his room and see scripture after scripture written on individual pieces of paper all over his wall…I smile…because he’s mine-I know on a very real level that he is not really mine but mine to borrow..for a time…a time that is now short and I try to keep smiling-

I remember, so vividly the day that I gave birth to him, the excitement, the fear..The what if’s…for me the day was not planned, way too early…and yet Jack and Trevor decided it was indeed the day…to make their grand appearance and grand it was..due to the emergency c-section and the being over drugged it was hours before I saw these precious boys in the ICU, it was midnight, and Dewayne rolled me down in my wheel chair to see these boys of mine…no names yet…just so undecided..
I remember seeing Jack the bigger one (not by much) and I knew…I knew that He was my Jackson-beautiful in every way..beautiful-Dewayne then wheeled me over to Trevor who was in an enclosed incubator and I put my hand through the little hole to touch his hand…and I spoke quietly…”Hi, little man” and he grabbed my finger…I would have never know that night that months later Trevor left our family to be with Jesus…and Jack remained with me…and I just remember staring at him..at night, at all hours, at all times…I stared…I loved…this precious boy filled my hours, helped healed my heart- I think many days…Lord…if I could have one wish..one..it would be to watch and smile at both of my boys for one hour..one…and yet I know …One day, I will watch and smile as they embrace. I know..I know Trevor is just as amazing as my boy down here on earth…

He loved trains..Obsessed with trains is more like it, guard rails were train tracks…telephone wires were train tracks..and I enjoyed every minute of it…I just watched…and smiled..watched school plays, band recitals, marching band, and so much more..and smiled…filing it away in my heart..knowing time is short..very short.

If you know him-you smile, you know what I’m talking about, He’s different, He’s set apart…He’s sensitive and strong and funny and ….you just like him…you can’t help it.

I have watched and smiled through so much…How very honored to be apart of such a boy/man’s life. His heart is so set on God’s path, on God’s Word, on His will for Jack and I smile…He’s a great boy, this boy of mine…He’s going to be a great man-and I will continue to watch and smile from a distance.