I knew you were coming! I knew!

My blinker hits the old gravel road and my stomach does this twisty turvey thing. I try to avoid the potholes and my van stops and I stare through the windows. There’s this boy, this beautiful boy and he doesn’t belong to me, but my heart tells me otherwise sometimes.... He’s not mine, yet the little boy with the golden hair and quiet smile comes announcing to the world that his Aunt Tracy is here... and he knew I would come-He knew! He knew I was coming as he flings his body into mine. That voice that I have stilled, that incredible love that I push down into the quiet place in my soul, releases…it releases and I hug this boy child. He smells of dirt and boy sweat and his hair is in every which direction and that smile, that smile melts me every single time. I know that if it were within my doing this boy could have anything he desired. He climbs in my van already telling me all the things that we are going to do-and aren’t my kids going to be so excited to see him? And isn’t my dog going to be so happy? Uncle D, is Uncle D home? Uncle D loves me...Do they know? Do they know I’m coming??
The next morning in the space right between night and morning, that few moments of quiet right before the ruckus of my home begins- I was thinking through His words “I knew you would come, I just knew” and I understood for I hold onto those words too-don’t you?

One day, I will see my father and run up to him and say..I knew you would come, I just knew and I’ll fling my body into His and He will look at me like I look at that little boy, with incredible love for me! I hope my smell, my actions and my appearance are pleasing to the Lord. I’m going to enter through those gates and see the beautiful place He has prepared for me and when I get there..I’m not going anywhere! Are you coming with me? Do you know??

Listen

Did you pick up all those wooden swords in the front yard? Why did you and the neighbor boy throw them in the front yard tree, again?  I yell to one of mine as I run around the house getting ready for a family dinner and I’m not quite sure why I ask this question because I’m for sure that the answer will be “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” as this seems to be the standard answer of a twelve year old-soon to be thirteen year old boy.  It’s New Year’s Day and I’m having several family members over for dinner. When I became a full time working mom ( I was already a full time working mom-but I became a full time working, working mom)one of things I had to let go of was being a home perfectionist.  So, picture in your mind all of us scurrying around preparing for company. We were cleaning bathrooms and sweeping dog hair off the floor, lighting candles (vanilla, my favorite and plus it covers a multitude of other smells) and putting the finishing touches on dinner.  Today in itself is a big deal..It’s a big deal that we are all getting together. Lots of pain the last few years, lots of hurt that I found myself in and I needed time to deal and heal in my own way with the hurt before I could figure out what to do with it all, but here I was…ready or not-I was the host.

 

And as they all poured into my home, it was loud, happy and crazy. Everything that I had done to prepare was undone…and it was ok.  I had a nephew who just turned one with big, wonderful chubby cheeks (who I love dearly) that loved throwing apples to my dog, so for the remainder of the night we found apples- under chairs and lamps and one in the bathroom-it was laughter and memories for sure. Plus the girl’s bunny (Cupcake) reaped the blessing of half chewed on apples that night (not sure if the one year old or the dog chewed on them…but hey)

After dinner I was packing up leftovers for one of my sisters. This sister is close to my heart as life is not easy for her but she always, always perseveres. I would say, comparing her to a punching bag would be accurate, yet, she pops back up-every time-without fail.  She’s learned early that you get nowhere waving the white flag of surrender, so I rally behind her as she fights life with all the valiance she can muster.  I packed up leftover cheesecake, ham, mashed potatoes and rolls and she in return thanked me several times letting me know it would be lunch for the next few days at work. As I was finishing packing her things I had this overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to give her my lunch bag. I walked into my pantry and placed my hand around the handle, picked it up, and thought no….I need this, I use it and placed it back on the shelf and went on my way-but still felt like I should give it to her-but….I didn’t. We said our goodbyes and I kissed the cute little apple throwing man goodbye.

A few minutes later another sister I love dearly was also getting ready to leave with her brood and said “here…I have a Christmas present for you!” What do you think was in that beautifully decorated bag? Yes, a lunch bag…a beautiful lunch bag—so so much like the one I had just pondered giving away! My sister and I hardly ever give each other individual gifts on Holidays, it’s always a family gift…and this is year, the gift was solely for me, and it was a lunch bag.

Later that evening, after a wonderful time with people I love- I was picking up the remnants that were left in their place and I asked myself …why is it that I didn’t listen to that inner voice? Why didn’t I step out? I know it wasn’t a million dollars, or my car…it was my lunch box, but why the delay in my response I asked myself? I don’t always think that He necessarily gives us signs every time but He knew I was getting that lunch bag before I ever did, and He was prompting me-this time he was giving me a sign.

You thought my little story would end differently didn’t you or that I had some great earth shaking revelation? No, It doesn’t ..the truth is, the lunch box is in my van this very moment, just waiting to go to work with my sister-just waiting to carry her lunch-just waiting to make her smile.

 

My reminder in all this-simple, it’s to listen…listen to the still small voice when it speaks quietly to me and that I in return seek to hear His voice. The still, small voice that raises questions in my heart, that challenges me to discover there is peace, and joy, and calm in that still, small voice. Listen for it.